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Author Topic: Rebuilding my life  (Read 9713 times)

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Rebuilding my life
« on: November 10, 2009, 04:41:24 pm »
Just went through an up and down cycle again. Not my worst one ever, but it still sucked to go through it. I think my boss is pretty unhappy with me but I managed to hold onto my job. Thank God. The economy sucks right now and I think if I was unemployed I'd go crazy. ;-)

The scary thing is that I was actually taking my meds when the mania set in. It came on gradually this time and I kept wanting to believe that I was just feeling really positive about life. Then I started feeling pissed off with my coworkers and my clients and my wife and I put it down to stress that was going on at the time. My wife would kind of hint that she thought it was manic, but I insisted that it wasn't and kind of told her to back off.

What finally tipped me off is that I was working on a big sales proposal and I got to this point where I just needed everything in it to be perfect, and I was working around the clock and not finishing it, and it didn't seem like my coworkers understood how important it was to get it right - but then I just couldn't finish it on time and I had to pass it off to another guy on our team. It was humiliating. I ended up getting totally wasted that night with another coworker and bad mouthing the guy who took the project over and didn't get home until like 2 in the morning. That's kind of when my wife put her foot down, because we have a deal about me not drinking too much.

My doc had to bump up my dose of mood stabilizer two times and it took almost a month for it to really kick in, and by then I was feeling pretty depressed. I've come back from almost total ruin twice now in my life, and this one was nothing compared to the past, but it freaks me out that I was following the rules and still taking my meds and I can still have problems.

I guess what I'm looking for is ideas for how not to just feel ashamed all the time and beat myself up about this. That's one of the hardest things about living with this shit.


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Re: Rebuilding my life
« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2009, 12:14:03 pm »
"I guess what I'm looking for is ideas for how not to just feel ashamed all the time and beat myself up about this. That's one of the hardest things about living with this shit."

My moods are stable, my depression is much better, yesterday I just celebrated two year of being clean and sober, which correlates with returning to the work force part time as I'm living with HIV and Bi Polar and live on a fixed income.  I always new I could work part-time but my life was messed up.

First there was the diagnoses (plural) the stigmas (compound), isolation which drew me to addiction which made treatment really hard as I was living a lie, and then add all that up = ASHAMED.

How did I beat it.  I dropped anchor at age 49, used my activist roots to take my story out to others and in doing this (which is ongoing) have connected with others who are also living with compound stigmas, feeling ashamed, isolation. 

Getting clean was critical, it allowed me for the first time to allow my meds to do there thing and for me to be able to communicate with my pdoc. I had a few failures in the beginning, but I finally got it, one month, two, six, one year, two years :).

Then came part-time employment, wow what a boost not just in my wallet, but where I needed it the most, self-esteem and confidence, and seeing a future again as I really didn't see one for a long time.

I wear T-shirts that boldly read "I'm Positive"  and "Bipolar" and wear them on the subway, under a blazer at a theater, on airplanes, you be amazed of how empowered I feel when wearing them. 

Beating yourself up, I've been known to do that as well, I'm sure you are not alone. I took to meditation which isn't easy for me.  I read a good book called, Calming your anxious mind it's by Jeffrey Brantley, MD... give it a read.

I hope this helps, I enjoyed reading your post.


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